Time for Empathy

“We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.” — Epictetus

The Obstacle

We want to talk.
We want to share our opinions and ideas.
We want to solve the problem because it seems obvious to us.
We feel the pull to judge, fix, or correct.

Staying quiet is uncomfortable.
Listening without being right takes effort.
We have to remind ourselves every time, in every conversation.

What we say and what is heard is often two very different things when the words come before the understanding. We must be willing to pay the cost of admission in order to be hear - we must listen to understand.

The Gift and Opportunity

When we slow down and listen, the energy and tone of conversations change.
The people closest to us feel heard and understood.
Trust builds.
Defenses drop.

When someone feels heard, they are more open to listening.
Exchanging positions becomes easier when understanding comes first.
Seeking to understand takes time, but the payoff is immense.
The more we practice this, the better we understand others, and the more persuasive we become.
We save time by not running in circles or arguing.

In time, it feels good, natural - it is the better way.

The Practice of Self-Mastery

• Take a deliberate pause before speaking or acting and ask yourself, “what’s needed now”

• Ask yourself, would you rather they knew you were right or knew that you cared - at the end of time, what would have mattered

• Ask directly, do you want me to just listen or help solve

• Ask questions only to understand deeper, not to share our opinion

• Remember, the point is not agreement or accepting, our job is understanding