“You always own the option of having no opinion.” — Marcus Aurelius
This writing is Certified Human
The Obstacle
We find ourselves disagreeing, correcting, controlling, arguing, and perfecting.
We find faults not only in what we do, but in what everyone else is doing.
Things could always be different, a little bit better, a little bit more perfect, a little bit more our way.
We find ways to make everything about us and fix everything for everyone. We're constantly looking to improve or solve things for other people.
This takes up a lot of our time and creates stress, anger, anxiety, and resentment when they just won't listen.
It also leaves them feeling like we always know better and that nothing is ever good enough, or that they're not good enough.
When we're constantly on the lookout for how to make things better for everyone else, we are in a state that does not help them, us, or the relationship.
The Gift and Opportunity
We have two ears and one mouth. We can take time to simply listen.
If we feel like we have to have an opinion or a way to improve things, we can search for the little bit we agree with or like. We can work with that.
We don't need an overhaul, a judgment, or an opinion on everything everyone else does.
We don't need to fix, improve, or solve everything for everyone all the time.
We can focus instead on the small portion we agree with or like, comment on that, and leave the rest to them.
When we do this, others feel seen, heard, and validated.
We don't need to spend the time and energy fixing what they don't even want fixed.
Our ability to understand and empathize gets better, along with our relationships.
The Practice of Self-Mastery
• Listen first
• Find the little bit
• Agree with what we can
• Leave the rest
CHEAT CODE: LISTEN → FIND → AGREE → LEAVE
The Why
I'm a fixer. I'm hyper-rational. I'm a controller. I'm a hyper achiever.
I am constantly on the lookout for how others are not good enough. I never stop seeing ways things can improve: myself, others, circumstances, processes, products, everything.
If I'm not careful, I'll spend my days picking apart other people, their opinions, their problems, and their solutions, constantly offering my opinion on how they could be doing better.
I mean well, but what they hear is criticism and a lack of understanding.
And they're right.
I can instead really listen and wait for the thing I agree with or the thing they're doing well, and focus on that.
I can let them know what portion of it I like or agree with and then just leave the rest.
When they want my help, they'll ask me.
And if I can constrain myself from giving it without solicitation, my energy will be better pointed toward where it's needed and wanted.
The people around me will also be less frustrated. I won't be constantly pointing out, even when I don't mean to, how they could be better.
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