Stoic Weekends: What Does It Really Cost? Part 2 of 3: Relationships
This writing is Certified Human
“Attend therefore to the appearances of things, and watch over them; for that which you have to preserve is no small matter, but it is modesty and fidelity and constancy, freedom from the affects, a state of mind undisturbed, freedom from fear, tranquillity, in a word: liberty. For what will you sell these things? See what is the value of the things which you will obtain in exchange for these.—“But shall I not obtain any such thing for it?”—See, and if you do in return get that, see what you receive in place of it.” – Epictetus
What does it cost? In the words of Mike Patton, “What is it?” What is it? IT is all things, the material and beyond... What do the physical things we have actually cost us? Is the cost so obvious? What is the cost of being driven by our emotions? What does it cost our relationships? What then is choice worth?
What do our opinions and judgements cost us? What do they do to our peace and presence? The price they demand is for people to be different—if they were what our opinions and judgements demanded they be. The bill is paid by those around us, those we love. They will never be able to afford the price, and they never asked what the thing actually cost. Our judgements and opinions will keep moving the conditions, ever increasing the price.
We have the thing, and now we keep paying. This time, we pay with the demands we place on others: how they are to use and treat this item, what can and can’t be done with it, and the care and attention they must give in order to keep it as we would.
Will we take the new carpet with us when we move? Will it matter when the kids are gone that the wood floor was scratched because they were playing with the dog? When the car has gone to rust and is being scrapped, will the ding in the door really matter? Are the things we have of such value that we would withdraw from the bank of our relationships to pay for the preservation of a material item?
How then should we view our things? Should we allow abuse and neglect to ravage them with no care? Certainly not. There is a middle ground.
I must ask myself: What’s important? What matters more? I must lead myself and my emotions. I must set reasonable ground rules and expectations for how things are to be treated and used. I must also constrain my desire to put the worth and value of things above those I love. A thing is meant to be used, and with use comes wear. All things have a life cycle. I should know this and set my own expectations for what it means to have a thing and to use and share it.
We like to have things... the newest, greatest, best. We like to control, protect, and lord over how others use them, but at what cost? We should remember that all things in life are an exchange of currency: time, effort, money, love... I choose what it’s worth. I hope to remember this and make more deposits in the bank of relationships than withdrawals. The added cost is how we value our things over our relationships. Will they know we cared more for them than we did for it?
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