Find the Nugget

“If someone is able to show me that what I think or do is not right, I will gladly change.” — Marcus Aurelius

The Obstacle

We want to be helpful.
We want to solve.
We want to assist.
We pass up all the little nuggets along the way in hopes of one big score.

We want our ideas to be chosen.
We want our ideas to be the best.
We want to win.

We want the acknowledgement and the prestige.
We want the advancement, the congratulations, and the payoff.

It comes at a heavy cost.

For the most part people already know that we are smart, well-intentioned, and capable.
They know we have good ideas.
They know we have something to contribute.

And we know that unsolicited advice is seldom received well.

What we intend as helpful often lands as aloof and arrogant.
As if we need to be right.
As if we think they are less than...
As if their ideas are worthless.

How do you feel when someone talks down to you? Talks over you? Dismisses your ideas or concerns and then force feeds their own on you?
That might not be our intent, but that is what is received.

The real difficulty in conflict, arguments, and opposing positions is getting our ideas across in a way that others can actually hear and are more willing to receive.

For that, we must dig with a miners eye.
We must consistently pick up the nuggets along the way knowing they will add up.

The Gift and Opportunity

We can choose to show them that they are wrong and that we are right.
Or we can choose to be curious and dig deeper.

We can be curious about their position.
We can look for the small nugget of their idea we agree with.
We can look for the narrow portion of their point that we accept.

We can choose to find the nugget in the conflict, the argument, the disagreement, and start there.

If we are open, if we dig, and if we are not trying to prove them wrong, we will find something. Even if it’s tiny... Something we can accept, agree with, and acknowledge to the other person.

Few are willing to listen until they feel heard.
Once someone is willing to listen, it becomes possible for them to shift their position.
It becomes possible to turn conflict into progress.

Shift or not, the outcome improves when we find the nugget and the other person feels heard and understood.

The Practice of Self-Mastery

• Stop the urge to solve, correct, or persuade.

• Lead with curiosity and ask questions that will help to understand their position.

• Find and acknowledge the nugget you can accept or agree with.

• Measure success by if they feel heard, not by you being right.

• CHEAT CODE: STOP — LISTEN — REPEAT BACK — STOP